Cancer , It is a wonderful clearing when I allowed it. I created cancer and have been stuck in the illusion making my body wrong. So my commitment is Love and love cannot coexist with the ideas of death, cancer or suffering.
With that being said, my personal version of the illusion is that I never really wanted to be here. Writing death poetry by eight, several suicide attempts in adolescence, now cancer. Being born for me was finding the fastest path back to God. The misfire has been; seeing death as the path back to God. There is no death in God land. My holiness will never be found through death. As a dear friend just shared, death in an unenlightened mind brings sleep. My Holiness can only be achieved by Joining with God.
“Death is access back to God” (old catholic belief) has prevented me from surrendering to God… Because only by surrendering to Ego is death certain… but accessing God, never. I cannot access God Through Ego.
Accepting my Holiness unravels the laws of the world. I accept my Holiness and my joining with God is complete. It lives outside the illusion. My accepting my holiness and my true purpose for being here, will release the body back to use for God’s communication. Cancer can not dwell in God’s vehicle.
With this confusion of accessing God through death, surrender of my cancer has been difficult. I was surrendering the cancer to ego, thereby ‘avoiding’ death. Thinking the whole time.. “well, if I have to be here a while longer to do God’s work..OK…I will do that”. That is what I was seeing as surrender. Surrender to being here a while longer! I was seeing the surrender to the body(ego) as the Healing. The only true surrender is to God. The only outcome is Love. If I leave my focus on killing cancer, or dying to access God, I am completely stuck. My Holiness reverses all the laws of the world.
Surrendering to Ego… What I have been calling ‘surrender to God” has been ‘surrender to ego’. It occurs in the illusion as ‘a lot of good ideas that just never took off”. I was raised to look for “other shoes” dropping. My ‘best intentions’ only served to end in suffering somewhere. I got good at surrendering the ‘best intention’ and moving on to try another ‘best intention’. Surrender Always meant that there would have to be something to give up or not get. Surrender meant at some point I would meet my resistance and would deal with that ‘later’….
Surrendering to God Never meets resistance. Resistance only lives in Ego. So surrendering to God is like Honey melting on a hot muffin… No resistance EVER!
If I continue to see ‘resistance’ in any form; when the illusion (drama I created) still occurs as ‘drama’… I surrendered to Ego again. The clearing at this point has got to be Why do I Fear God!?! There is no other question to ask.
So I imagine my self, climbing into the lap of God and just getting Hugged. Then I Listen for the Voice of God. More will be revealed in Truth around the drama. Only Love will be experienced and… judgement and drama simply disappear effortlessly. The ego hook will be gone.