(My last defense against my body)…

So it was an ordinary day.  My current Commitment to God…. To CELEBRATE God’s Love… To DANCE… To Shout it from the Highest Corners of the Universe … and, then… I was taking out the trash… and I noticed it… The absolute ‘bane’ of my existence in ‘form’….

The ‘scale’…. 

My beliefs about my form have gone anywhere from quiet resignation to outright physical abuse (incudes “my story” of cancer)… “my body” has always been my Greatest Projected Lesson in Not Trusting God….

It started when I was born…LOLOLO…. I gifted my self with an anorexic mother, long before there was a ‘term’, ‘anorexia’ …

My earliest memories are of my mothers concern for ‘my’ weight.  She was 5”9” and had a 22 inch waist and she never went above 130 Lbs in weight… Interesting… I often wondered… “Why do I know so much about my family members weight and waist sizes?”

When others were learning ‘how old their parents were?’…  My Mom and ‘i’ were measuring our ‘waists’…. always seemed a little odd (lol).   

My mom was on one perpetual diet and All of us towed the line.  Actually there was a ‘stash’ of the ‘good’ stuff for my brother who has always been apparently leaner than my father and I.  I remember in High School… I found my father’s stash of ‘jellybeans” in the glove compartment of the car… my mom did not drive until later in life so they were ‘safe’ from her. 

Do not misread anything into this,,, My mom loved me… I Never doubted that… And she had some ‘weird shit’ around food.  AND All of ‘it’ ‘my projection’…My Projection…and subsequent ‘judgment’…

Or I should say ‘all the judgments’ unraveled as a ‘sweater’ if pulled exactly the ‘right way’…lol…that I took to God for ‘Clearing’.  Judgments like: ‘focus on food good’… ‘low calorie always’… ‘no fat’… ‘no sugar’… ‘veggies good’…now ‘these ideas’ are not ‘bad’… please reread that… ‘not bad’… just ‘my focus was ALLWAYS ON THESE THOUGHTS’…. and that is just plain exhausting!..My Sweet Mother would send me off to school with lunches every day…. An example… small tupperware of tuna fish (in water), celery and carrot sticks and an apple.   Now, looking at this as a mature brain, I See How Much she Loved me… chopping carrots and celery every morning… AND as a 6 Year old,  well, it was a completely different illusion.  At Lunch time…the other kids are trading PB&J, fritos, hostess cupcakes (the snowballs were never great trading items), and an occasionally Lucky person saw a ‘baby Ruth’… I had very little leverage with celery…’a victim story line’ for Sure!  So, I allowed my mom to control my weight until around the age of 20… it was the 1960’s… I had just completed ‘an Assertiveness Training” program… A group of women finding their ‘voices’, in whatever way they needed to ‘find them’.  The entire 6 week program, I dealt with having ‘the conversation with my mom”…. The one where I sat her down and said  (I actually had it written down so I would get it straight)…

“I Know you Love me and Your Concern for my weight, is coming out of that love…And at this point in my life, I am capable of handling my weight… Please no longer refer to it.” 

It took me 6 weeks of “Assertiveness Training” to come up with that one statement and the Courage to have the conversation with my mom… I had been told by every body in this Assertiveness group, “She cannot take offense at this!”… and they did not know Mom the way I Knew Mom… And By this time in MY LIFE… I was definitely using my Mom as My Projected Lesson… So of course there would be the obligatory drama…

She was so hurt…She started crying.  And I am proud to say that I held this phrase and did not back down,,, I stood firm on this above statement… It is funny that I can remember the exact wording of what took me 6 weeks to Create… I remember I was just Beyond Terrified of having this ‘conversation’….

And I am very happy to report that My Mom honored my request and Never again mentioned my weight.  It was then that she mastered, “the Look”… lolololo… One Look from Mom and I “Heard All of her Concerns about my weight”… but again… I was projecting the look… I Learned from a Master and continued ‘sharing’ ‘the look’ to others that would not meet my standards… I am forgiving myself as I write this… wow.. who Knew this was there!!!

So that is the ‘back story’… which brings me to NOW.  I was getting the trash together… and there it was… the scale…

I have Just Completed Forty Days of LIVING totally Committed to Celebrating God.  That is my Life’s Inspiration.  And I am Committed to Seeing All that does not Line up with this…

So I have Known for a LONG time… I have no peace with the scale…. So I had several battling egoic conversations going on in my head at the same time as I was putting the trash from the bathroom in the bag… I saw my conversation ‘never happy weight’…. And the scale appeared to be  sourcing my feelings…

Upon seeing ‘the scale’…. All the conversations start at once… “step on it and see your number.. Oh Good I lost a pound… Oh Bad, I Gained a pound…don’t step on it… it will not make you happy… Your in denial, You Need to stay ‘concerned’ for your health… yaddity , yaddity, yaddity”!

The Truth be Known.. I never needed to get a number… I would just think… I feel a little bloated.. and My Day Was Cast In shades of grey ALL DAY… My World was Good or Bad based on a number, in reality or Thought (and these are indeed the same).  Getting Clear on this Delusional Thinking has been Fabulous…

So the conversations while collecting trash and thinking about the scale:

“Throw the fucker out and get rid of the misery… This machine will NEVER bring me peace… If I  am truly Trusting God… I do not need this Negative Feedback device.  Immediately ego is there… Oh… give it away  (seriously… give it away to some other poor sucker and their lives can become dependant on a number.)… But what about being “GREEN”… putting this in the landfill…… oh and I just kept sliding down the rabbit hole…”

I picked “the scale” up with Holy Spitirt and placed the scale in the garbage bag.  Now I must be clear with this… “I” did this many years ago also… But “I” did it by my self and God was not in the immediate vicinity with that decision…I gained some weight, became frightened and purchased another scale.   This current decision is With and Through God Alone….

I Trust that What Ever My form does, as far as appearances … It is in God’s Best Interest that I Appear that Way.!!!! … This I KNOW…. No exceptions!!!!

So the Physical Reminder of Ego’s Concern for my weight is gone… God is handling it and I Am Listening !!!!  Suffering is Over  …  so once again… I Join You In Lovexoxoxox