Her name was Paloma. In Spanish it means Dove…

I was not looking for a horse. A couple of years earlier, I had found a home for the ‘last’ horse I had spent time with, … a three year old, ‘one eyed’, never been ridden, Egyptian Arab. She was an animal that had the energy of twenty horses… and when directed well, we had so much fun… long sandy arroyo runs… she would barely break a sweat… but alas, as true with anything seen as ‘perfect’ in this world,… She would see a gum wrapper on the trail a mile away and start doing what I liked to refer to as “flying side passes”… In one moment we would be ‘here’… the next moment… 8 feet to the right or left, we would be ‘there’, with no prior warning… and…

The moment I saw Paloma, I fell in love. She is a copper penny palomino with a Long white mane and tail. She is not a ‘big’ horse. In fact for my size, I called her ‘my pony’. She stands an ‘honest’ 14.3 hands. I swear there was some “icelandic’ in her past. She was gaited. Her trot was as smooth as silk. I researched her ‘gait’ and to this day… no ‘gaited’ breeds want to own it as their own… She has her own gait and it is ‘heavenly’.

Prior to purchasing, I rode Paloma… I actually wanted to ‘test’ Paloma…Had already dealt with one Type A horse… did not want another. So the day we rode together, was one of the ‘wierdest’ storms you see in New Mexico. The sky and wind were turbulent…the smell of rain… cold front coming in, with ‘dry’ lightening hitting the mesas. There were two little buckaroos at the barn door when I got into the saddle…one said to me, “Are you sure you want to go out in this?”… What they observed as ‘fearless’ in me… was anything but. I was saying to my self… “I don’t ever want a ‘bolting horse’ again, I want to see what this little horse is made of”… and on that one ride, we went thru wind, rain, lightening and hail together… she never flinched… little did I Know that Our entire Life together would occur as a metaphor of that first ride.

From the beginning of our relationship, Paloma and I were mirror images of each others temperament … Willfull, Stubborn, Infuriating, Fearfull, Passionate, Beautifull, and a Heart as Big as All Outdoors. And from Day One, I was Clear she was my access to Loving My Self.

Not saying that she was the only one in our relationship with bad habits, and boy… the bad habits she did have.. clearly for my Training. And these same ‘bad habits” got me the ‘deal’ of the century… On the day I purchased her, I paid $500.00 and about a day to ‘work’ her into the trailer to get her home.

So her(my) three main ways of ‘avoiding’ having a good time…. Were, One… She(i) was stubborn.. in the eguine world… she was not a ‘forward’ mover in the beginning.. which in many circles.. is not seen as a good thing… HOWEVER, I had a bolter previously and just came off a ‘nasty’ accident… and was happy, the truth be told, to have a horse that would plant all fours and ‘NOT Move” when terrified…, This came in handy during our many Mountain Rides.. On MORE than one occasion, she would “See” a big cat or bear, long before I. I welcomed her four footed stance. I KNEW to Turn Around. So laughing here… my Life Lesson with this… When You Meet Resistance, Turn Around Silly!…

Interesting, as I relaxed, she relaxed… She moved plenty forward enough for me…And with that, we could be seen in local parades or facing down ‘irritating’ bulls on the mesa. We eventually moved as “one” in whatever terrain we found ourselves. I Learned to Trust her instinct about people and places. My confidence grew as I ‘learned to trust her’.  I must say, Paloma far excelled at ‘accepting others’ long before I.  We eventually learned to only “plant Our feet” when Turning around.

Number two on the ‘count down’ of things Paloma and I eventually worked out was… “Pulling Back”. She was one of those horses that “all” who saw her, said… “Just don’t ever tie that horse”. Given I was Equally matched with ‘willfullness’… She would regularly ‘tear holes in my metal horse trailer walls” while she went flipping over backwards, all four feet in the air….(“we” had a wee bit of anger to work on). She eventually was able to tie with a rope, a string or ground tie anywhere. There was some damage along the way with this aspect of our relationship… Many hitching posts, trailer rings and assorted logs and limbs, were harmed in this dream, unwinding the “fear” in this one for both of us…and I trusted that we would ‘work” it out. I did love her through it… Laughing when I would buy halters… three at a time for Paloma…

And the Third Massive Avoidance issue she had, “Biting”.   I remember an old Cowboy from a ranch I “wrangled” at during adolescent summers; he told me at that time… “Biting is about as bad as it gets in a horse… that is a horse with a lot of fear….”

My version of “biting”… as the ACIM text says, “owning my viciousness” (not necessarily physical, definitely a lot of viscious thoughts and words). Paloma, as my projection (acim),and I ‘bit’ less and less over the years. We went through one interaction at a time; letting go of fear and allowing Love in. We became comfortable curmudgeons together.

On the Trails, I came to ‘trust’ her ability to find the trailer, find Home. I might have no ability to find ‘home’… She Always did. That Love and Trust Grew Around Us… I Knew that I wanted to relate to all as I related to Paloma… and that was all the willingness I have ever had.

So Looking back on Our Relationship as One of the Greatest Lessons of my human incarnation… I could love a copper penny palomino… long before I could Love my self or any thing or one else. She was my gift to my self to ‘learn to Love’, warts and all…

So I had to Learn to See Paloma’s Fear, and address it as a child awakening from a ‘nightmare’… and also Trust in her strengths… Recognize my fears and Trust in my Strengths.

At the time, I did not See how I was addressing my own fear, as I do in this moment. Seeing through the eyes of A Course in Miracles… She was my projection of ‘fear’… an apparently ‘horribly abused’ animal. A ‘biter’ that healed with my Love…Just as I would Heal with that same Love, My Understanding and Forgiveness of my self as that little abused pony… It was Our fear…

And that is how I accessed loving my Self in life… taking in “suffering animals”… I was unaware at the time of my projection of this. I was the ‘suffering’ one…

If I Am Really Willing… I will gift my self with an animal or human that I can Join in Love, allowing ourselves to Love in the dream… I now call former ‘suffering animals”, “Mightie Companions”. Through ALL of you… I learn to remember the Source from which I come…LOVE.

Paloma’s Biting eventually was ‘healed’, as I softened in love, she stopped biting all together. After our 20 years together, I would ‘cinch’ her up… (and she was a little, “cinchy”)… if my energy around her was at all “off”, I could expect her to turn her head and give me ‘Lip’… Never teeth… She would ‘smack’ her lips together and make sounds… and I would ‘undo’ the cinch a little and laugh. Her biting actually came in Very handy when we “worked” cattle together… she would move them little doggies along with a little nip or two…

Bringing this all around back to a Course in Miracles, I am involved in an extensive ACIM program for the next six months…, I was commenting to somebody in that program yesterday… the only ‘tears’ I shed these days are from ‘being moved”…so I was surprised when I woke this morning with thoughts of ‘Paloma” along with a ‘tear’ of ‘sadness’ and ‘longing’.

I have written ‘extensively” about forgiving a foreclosure. And just one last piece to that… allowing for Complete Peace to take over this entire memory…

My house was a barn. I lived in the loft. Paloma slept ‘under’ me for 12 years. I could hear her snort and rustle in her stall in the middle of the night…along with the others, and I Knew Her snort and rustle…

So with moving into my ‘former” office in town, I found good homes for all… I am at peace with all the others… and this mornings ‘tear’, was just a smidge of ‘guilt’ that reminded me of an area of forgiveness.

I still “held my self” responsible for “breaking up the family”. I took on “animal relationships” for Life… and there was still ‘guilt’ associated with Paloma, who was 30 years old at the time I passed her on… (I was so clear that I would be with her forever… I had a backhoe, one summer, dig a hole for her grave… “I feared” her dying in mid winter and me not being able to bury her “at home”… I often giggle thinking of the new owner and what he thinks of a giant hole dug in the rock!)

I am Seeing Paloma’s only reason to BE… was to project my suffering…allowing her life, for my lessons… As I Learned to Love her resistance…I began Giggling at mine… Learning how to ‘forgive” my self … while Loving her. As I am Seeing, all my Lessons have led me back to Love… and when the Lessons are Learned… the ‘focus’…is no Longer needed… I Am to Just Love… and Know she is just and always will be… a totally Loving memory of how I Learned to Love my self, as SELF, through a ‘cinchy’, ‘biting’, stubborn copper penny palomino.

Blessed Be!!! I just Love Looking at life through the “Projection” I ‘dreamed’ up… It was totally ‘creative’, and the Lesson Learned has always been…and will always be… for Me to See Love and Only Love. Thank You All for your Participation in this with me….

Thanks for riding down this trail with me!!! Happy Trails for Now and Eternity!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The Final Peace in “The Foreclosure Diaries”