Monastery Diary – three – A little resistance

So this morning, while I am preparing my eggs, I tripped and a fork flew at another ‘Heart form’. We laughed, and I said, “I guess I am angry.. throwing forks…lol..”… and it felt like the Flood gates of Hell appeared to open, in my mind. Lolol…

She asked, “Anything you would like to express?”… and several ‘body issues’ in my thinking fell out. One of the ‘reasons’ I came up here… and had not shared… I was feeling so ‘good’ right after hospice… and I still beLIEve I have a mass in my abdomen and ‘this thought’ bothers me… hence, I suffer. ‘I found my self ‘holding the mass ‘ wishing it would get smaller’… I refer to it periodically as ‘the dead zone’… a tongue in cheek image.

And ‘tongue in cheek’ is error… in God’s Mind… So My Commitment to Stand the Course no matter what.. allowing all ‘errors in my mind to f—king surface’… and the ‘good news’,  I started getting angry… lol…

Allow me to See Everything differently. Allow ‘all areas of suffering to surface’. I want to SEE where I SUFFER… And ‘thoughts’ came in… And several others ‘appearing larger’ landed…Here is one of my personal examples… I would rather die ‘thin’ than live ‘fat’. Even writing it pisses me off. LOLOLCkldD5QWkAADmG_

As a person apparently with cancer…. I GAINED weight… and I have held this in resentment. At least I could die with dignity (in my mind, this would be ‘thin’)… I am not saying that any of this makes sense, for I am pulling up all my insane ‘thinking’ bits.

So I am sitting in contemplation with several of these ideas. Does any of this make me ‘Happy’… No…ok… be with that… and I Know… that which ‘I fear’, I draw to my horizontal story line… So that I can Clear it with God. As acim says… See it differently With God.

Unknown-1So I grab a moment with God…in the most Beauty Full environment at the Living Miracles Monastery… and I breath in… What is the fear? My response, I will have to always suffer in one way or another (a bit of a ‘martyr syndrome’, my catholism did latch on in many ways)… no matter what I do. I Am ‘the penitante’… ‘I’ am the source of ‘my pain’…

What is the point of forgiving all of these ideas that are not of God. My ‘thoughts’ about form are not real … So what is the point of ‘Clearing Thoughts with God?’ I get it… God does not care I am fat! So I will just attempt to Not think about it… since there is nothing I appear to be able ‘to do’ about it….God does not care I have cancer… again… nothing ‘to do about it’… So Holy Spirit… Help me see these two areas with ‘no suffering’. How am I holding myself a victim to this dream? Help Me See this differently…

And God answers… “You suffer with these very ‘thoughts’. ‘Symbols’ of the world are not causing fear. My thinking about these symbols causes me to suffer…”,

I ‘think’…’f-ck… I just want to be ‘thin’ and happy… I just want to Live without suffering from ‘thinking’… I just want to be happy and thin… why does it need to ‘Cleared and vocalized’? Holy Spirit piped in,

“Because You don’t want to share ‘your little secret resentment’… you hold it and it makes it impossible for You to SEE YOUR INNOCENCE!… You keep the ‘I am fucked if fat’ filter in place… and ‘I’ will never allow for Innocence, anywhere..  Joining In Other’s Committed to LOVE… allows this tiny mad idea to surface, to be Seen and  Forgiven. Your atonement is ‘accepting’ the ‘correction’ as TruthYou Must See Your Insanity! ‘Joining’ Speeds this process up and saves ‘lifetimes’.

I think I hear the theme song from ‘Twilight Zone’ in my head!!!!! Lolo

And ‘thoughts’ rage on…

And when I was ‘thin’… I wanted to be ‘thin’ and rich… or I wanted to be ‘thin’ and have a loving relationship.  I want to be thin and dance… I want to be thin and sing…Being ‘thin’ never stopped my insanity. There have always been ‘conditions’ that I have set on my ability to be ‘happy’. God does none of this… My small insane egoic mind does. At least with ‘thin’ I appear to suffer less… and what is the pont of digging all of this up anyway… I answer my own question… All ‘insane thoughts’ keep me separated from LOVE… and HS added…

”You want to dismantle cancer… this is the process… ‘thoughts matter’.

And the Voice of Holy Spirit is F—king LOUD at the monastery…

I am giving only Highlights of an ONGOING SESSION WITH GOD.

Holy Spirit responded to ‘my desire to be thin (er )’. Your idea of ‘Thin’ just covers a deeper fear…of not ‘being fat’…of Being Seprate.  Thin vs fat same side of the same shit pile. You said to bring it all up…

And I restated my commitment… but sh-t… this is not really what I signed on for…I thought I would pray and meditate and just feel better… Perhaps a little laying on of ‘hands’, ‘like a retreat’… nope… ‘this is not that’….

‘Clearing the ‘sh-t ‘I think’… all of it… AND… I Want it All Up…I Want It All UP… BRING IT ON!!!!!

And just ‘not thinking’ these thoughts doesn’t work…

Example… ‘Don’t think of pink elephants’ … and what am I thinking of… ‘pink elephants’. Now ‘pink elephants’ don’t cause me to suffer. However, me ‘thinking’ I am fat, does cause me to suffer… A lot…

Just ’repeating’ the acim lesson, … ‘I am Not a Body, I am Free” is NOT WORKING. Just appears to ‘sugar coat’ the ‘sh-t’.

So I find ‘myself bringing up ‘what seems like thousands’ of ‘little insane bits of thinking… Placing them All on the alter for being healed. And I am pissed off… and I go meditate… I pray for ‘willingness to See ‘my insanity’… bringing ‘the darkness’ (my insanity) to the ‘Light’ (as God Sees).

Then I go transcribe something by David Hoffmeister… yeah… all about letting go of ‘self concepts’… That drove several things deep… Let go of this ‘mess’, called, ‘me’… @#*64IIttr(3@@@ … How????

So for me… my process is to take it to God to see it differently… and Forgive something or somebody… and most of the times… It has nothing to do with fat vs. thin thinking. It has nothing to do with ‘cancer’… I ‘appear’ to be harboring resentment about Everything. Just a general sense of pissed off at ‘Man’s inhumanity to man… to Everything…  and since it is all my projection… ‘my inhumanity’ to everything, my fear in the form of anger, rage.

I giggle.. Several months ago I Met a Friend… and I found myself ‘thinking’…”not liking her in this particular color green”

And I JUMPED… “Who the f—k cares. Why would you choose to ‘separate from Love’, over ‘a color’”… … and this is what needs my attention. Allow the area where I am not loving…to surface from under all of my ‘I need to get thin’ ‘thoughts’ and ‘doings’.   And forgive it. Turn it over. Ask Holy Spirit to See it differently.

So this is what I have taken to God to See differently… Holy Spirit, Allow me to See Joy in all of it’s many forms. Allow all my ‘thoughts’ to be forgiven. Allow ‘my thoughts’ to ‘FOLLOW God’s guidance’… And God’s guidance is always the same…

‘not happy’…it is just fear…  forgive something… and return to Me (Love)’.

Holy Spirit, Bring it on… whatever keeps my separation in place… allow it to surface for me to Clear With Love… more will be revealed.

So the whole thin/fat thing actually took me on a ‘wild ride in mind… forgiving everything faster than fast… as soon as “I”, “we”, recognized our error and accepted correction (received atonement), We WOULD ALL LAUGH!!!! PEALS OF LAUGHTER! The process occurred with such speed… as acim says… “after the last tear is wiped, we will return to Laughter and Love!

So having been ‘in control’ of my diet as an adult… the monestary brought up some other interesting, insane thoughts about food… and what is good and bad… What I like and don’t like… All to be Cleared With Love…

images-11What food is served at the monestary…it will keep you alive… and if there is a problem… Put it on the alter in an expression session… You Will See this differently…

images-12God has NO Interest in diet’s (vegan, gluten free or breatharians), weight, death, cancer, or what I like and don’t like… what I want and don’t want… God has no Interest in any of these things…

Here is One I Love to See in acim conversations on fb that speaks to my insanity of which I write…

images-13 “I think the blue book, black book, sparkly book, urtext is better than another”,,,

I just laugh… Living the ‘content’ of any of them is Fabulous… Fighting about which is better… Just a forgiveness opportunity! I KNOW I am in the middle of a forgiveness opportunity when I am, ‘trying to be right’…images-14

So My version of which ‘book’ is better is this insane idea… What ‘weight’ is better… same problem… same solution…

Ask God to See it differently…. Am I willing to not be right. Holy Spirit will handle the heavy lifting… I just need to be honest. Am I suffering (with ‘my weight’… YES… and I don’t care what book you use)(lolo)…

We had ‘Entertainment’ every night! One of the more powerful movies for me… and I pass it on to You… Quitar … it is one of the movies in David Hoffmeister’s Guide to Enlightment Through the Movies. A Must watch if you ‘fear cancer… or any other ‘debilitating dis-ease’.

Much was ‘brought up’… and ‘some ideas’ I Play With… the idea of ‘going for Happy’… “Holy Spirit, Where Am I Blocked?”… For ‘cancer is not happy’… I project it all. Ok…

A Mightie Heart Companion at the Monestary… I will call, Mary Heart Heart Heart…asked a question to ‘herself’… of “Who would we be without our stories… Who would Calico Be without her story of foreclosure and cancer?” …

Her ‘comment’ landed and I found ‘some major anger’… Then I ‘killed her off’ in my mind… that is what ‘i appear’ to do with anger… ‘kill something off’… I repeat… BRING IT ON!

Lots of anger… Who would ‘I Be”…

I would BE ‘fill in the blank person without Their Resentment’!…

And the Truth…I Would Be Free… and the Only Way to Receive this… the Only Way… is by immersing in Love… It is the Only answer to any  problem. Where I find I want to make another wrong… I bring in the Love.  Being ‘thin(er)’, or Extremist Jihadiasm… just fear. Solution… same solution…  to be Honest… Where am I blocking ‘My Light’ with fear.  And then to simply Ask God to See it differently… My only task… to return to the Light.

This is what those involved in the monestary are Committed to… Seeing All Through Love. And bring up the ‘small stuff’…lolol…like I LOVED eating All that was served at the monestary… It was All served With Love…Emphasis on Love not food…I laid down ALL ideas of diet… and Loved what was… There was some very funny talks about ‘ham’… just sayin’… and just Lots of Laughter!

The ‘process’, we Joined in meditation… listen to daily lessons… and Joined in various 13508993_598405197003726_6826018077279532934_nactivities.   And the POINT… JOINING in God’s Mind together. Minor, well directed conversations happen…and for the most part a lot of ‘moving meditations’. Many opportunities to go Deeper…meditate with Many… Committed to Going Deeper…

‘My current solution’… find an ‘upsetting ‘thought’… go ‘eye-gaze with a bunny’… and find ‘thoughts of Love’… while allowing Holy Spirit In… Thanks Holy Spirit… More will be revealed.

 

 

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