Monastery Diary – Four – F–K It!!!!

This is a ‘greatly edited’ version of a much longer “Peace”…I just deleted pages of ‘no’s’, pages of tears, pages of anger…and a lot of ‘repetition’… Holy Spirit Held ‘my hands’ on the keyboard, while I ‘repeated what I Really Needed to SEE… My RAGE…

Here is an example of ‘accepting the atonement’…I offer this for All to SEE… With LOVE…

 

Ok, A Lot of resistance is coming up. I want to bolt. I want to run away. I want to disappear. I am tired of forgiving. I want to be bathed in Miracles… Fuck it.. and for now… I bolted my feet to the floor… yet I think ‘escape is possible’. I see my choices… forgive or die. FORGIVE OR DIE!!!!!!!!!

I am fucking tired of forgiving. I feel alone… all of this is ego. F-ck All of it… All of it… F-ck F-ck F-ck F-ck…

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

 

I want to run to my car and get the hell out of Dodge… Monastery and sacred space be damned… I have to get out of here.

And all I could hear was God…

”Stay and LIVE…Leave and DIE, please face this resistance…on the other side is Eternal Salvation”

And the TRUTH… I want the Peace of God above all else…

(f-ck)…

and with that being said… I, of course will be staying here at the Monastery…My Commitment to the Peace of God above All Else…

and…more will be revealed…

Just coming back to Santa Fe… so Much is SWIRLING… and I Am at the Center…Knowing TRUTH… and my only desire… to Join With Others… Joining…

13567369_603107936533452_4168798242366289324_n‘Those’ ‘form bodies’ at the Monastery, Present in Such a Sacred Way, Holding ‘My Heart’… that Needed ‘to BREAK’… I cry just ‘thinking of that level of Love’… such a ‘Sacred Space’… to allow ‘my rage’…

It is not necessarily an ‘easy world to enter into’.  I get what it meant to ‘stay the Course’… literally… the Course… ACIM… the process…

To Break out of ‘my baby dragon egg’… to Crack OPEN INTO LIGHT….TO SEE THE ANGELS AT THAT MONASTERY and everywhere… Absolutely Everywhere…

So this process, described in acim, is a skill… and the skill is Not what You Think… ever… It is What I am Willing to Break Through to LOVE! For me this process is of Transforming Anger to Love… IS… Alchemy…weaving straw to Gold… my Heart can rest.

And the really pissy Truth… I Must See My Rage… It has been glimpsed by ‘many’… and SEEN by few… AND the Monastery Living Miracles JOINED IN LOVE, while I let ‘my baby dragon fly’… AND I found ‘the LOVE’… the ‘Love” that I have wanted from my earliest of moments. The Love that became ‘fractured’ in the horizontal…that resulted in ‘foreclosure and cancer’… my rage of cancer… my rage of forclosure… my rage of ‘man’s inhumanity to Everything…was allways ‘my projection’. And at some moment of True Healing I MUST JOIN WITH OTHERS… to face this Truth. I can only change ‘my mind’. If I am not 13245300_585625921614987_552734941837464825_n-1Laughing and Loving only… I Must eventually JOIN. To face my fear filter… in Love.

And I Place All of this on the alter… I turn it all over in Love!

Big Hug!

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Monastery Diary – Four – F–K It!!!!

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