Monestary Diary – five – Fixing broken things

For several moments, I have been so clear on ‘my choice’ of being a ‘chiropractor’… a images-10‘doctor’ in the horizontal. Physician, one of the most ‘revered fields’ in the horizontal world. To ‘fix and save things’… To ‘repair the illusion’… and ‘make it better’. This appears to be ‘unraveling’ here at the Living Miracles Monastery.

And the Truth… I have just been ‘projecting my broken bits on You’… If I could focus on ‘you’ in the horizontal… I would not have to deal with ‘me’. So I created a ‘career’ at ‘saving things’… people, animals, homes, … all of it silly… all of it…

ALL OF IT… for My Awakening.

So there was a ‘day’ at the monastery, where we were staining a building (work exchange for a reduced fee on my monastery stay and more importantly, a time of Joining in Love and Fellowship). It was Hot. And there was much ‘running around’. I, however, started to ‘slow down’. I mean really ‘slow down’… I went to God. I used all of these ‘hot moments’ to go to God.

As Michael has said many times… ‘It is not about the painting’… or anything else I think is going on. We are using this horizontal story line to AWAKEN from.

The day before, Mary, asking me… “Who would you be without your stories of cancer and foreclosure?” At the moment she asked this of me… I responded with angry and resentfull ‘thoughts’. I CAN”T FIX ME!

Then in a breath of clarity… (I really ‘think’ bunny gazing is the answer!! Lolol) I asked God, “Why did I use cancer and foreclosure as my path to Awaken. God answered with a ‘memory’ that would Allow Me to See.

And I think back to childhood… if I had a nightmare while sleeping as a child that was ‘scarey enough’… I would waken my self from it and feel so safe in my little warm bed.

Just like this horizontal dream… if I make it ‘scarey enough’ I will Awaken from this dream and find myself in the eternally safe and Loving arms of God.

So I was straining and slowing down. Seeing my Mom and I… in our Youths… using our long legs to really move through this illusion. Then as I saw her age, she slowed down. So when walking with her… it became more of a meditation. And I was so Honored to slow down with her.

So I honored ‘my slowing down’ while ‘others’ appeared to be very busy. Very much like the ‘running nightmares’… I would ‘dream’ that I was running from something, fearing something… and I would be running in slow motion… fearing that whatever was chasing me would ‘catch me’ and I would suffer…

And then the pain started.

A while back in the dream, as an ‘angry course student’, (lololol), I realized that all my ‘attack’ thoughts made ‘me’ suffer. When I ‘stopped’ vocalizing ‘attack thoughts’…

ex. I like this… I don’t like that. I eat gluten free… I don’t do that… I am a democrat or a images-11 republican… I like thin… I don’t like fat… I like the blue ACIM book, I like another book…all just fears…

With just this ‘correction”…”stop sharing attack thoughts”… I stopped ‘feeling pain. For with the course, I realized that an attack on anything or person was really a ‘slap in my face’… During ‘my practice’, I had many opportunities dealing with ‘insurance companies and attorneys’ to Last Enough Lifetimes for ‘me’,to ‘not getting angry’… no matter how much I wanted to ‘draw blood’.  Every time I placed ‘my anger on anything ‘out there’… ‘I suffered’… So at some point… I just ‘stopped complaining’.  The result was ‘ No pain’.

Now the ‘attack thoughts’ may continue on for whatever time is necessary to See Differently… but an initial step is to just catch the many ways we like something and we don’t like something… equally as laughable or as painful.

So after beLIEving that I had a bad back with much as much pain as possible, I used chiropractic adjustments weekly to keep pain away. As a chiropractor… I had the ‘party line down’… back pain, linked to discs, nerves, somatic yada yada yada…ect. I Knew why ‘I’ and ‘you’ had back pain. All designed by ego… to separate ‘me’ from Truth.

And the Truth, I was in pain, from separating from God’s Love. When I realized that there was no back pain, because I dreamed up ‘backs’… well I stopped getting weekly treatments.. And for the past several years… No Pain.

So during the ‘Painting Party’, I was shocked and scared that I was on ‘fire’. My body was on fire. My back a searing hot poker. And all the sweating I was doing was not putting out the Fire. I KNEW, I was experiencing and creating this pain. ‘The Pain’ of separating from Loving All In this dream.

At one moment, while sitting on a bucket, I realized my legs were not working. As another ‘painting party pilgrim’ walked by… I asked for assistance in getting up. My legs were useless. He assisted me and I went into the bath house… where there was a chair. I sat down. Feeling the Pain. Silently screaming for God to help me. Screaming to See All of this differently. The fire was beyond any pain I have ever experienced.

The night before we watched a movie called ‘Guitar’. The ‘story’ of a woman getting a terminal cancer diagnosis. She rented a Large empty loft as a location for her last ‘party on earth’… And she initially moved into this large empty space and laid down on the floor and waited to die… and slept… slept.

I felt as if ‘my bath house was her loft’. I looked at the floor of the bath house and I so just wanted to ly down on it and die. The pain was too great…to go to sleep… and die… I wanted death over continuing to ‘feel this pain’… I am going home… Go and Die… Stay and Live… .

In my effort to put out the fire, I had a wet rag… that I wore around my neck to cool the fire I was experiencing. As I went to the sink to run it under cool water, I looked in the mirror. I was shocked! I had two black eyes. There was a black half moon under each of my eyes. I was horrified.

My ‘diagnostic mind’ attempting to make sense of this (I am hot, not sweating, not peeing, chinese medicine tells me that the area under my eyes is about kidney’s (body))… My immediate fear, my kidneys are shutting down. I sit down and think. I could just ly down and die… right here on this bathroom floor.

INSTEAD, I asked … no actually screamed in my head… GOD!!!! HELP ME SEE THIS DIFFERENTLY!!!!!!!

106k038Then I had this other ‘thought’… Several years ago, I saw how my attack ‘thoughts’ never bothered any body else… they only hurt me. My visual of this was, I get angry at something… and I Slap my self in the face. So looking at my black eyes, I saw how I was just hurting my self. HOLY SPIRIT HELP ME SEE THIS DIFFERENTLY!!!!!

I am tired. And it is has nothing to do with the painting party, the pain in my apparent body, the stories I make up in the horizontal… as another ‘pilgirm’ shared this morning from the Course… the entire world (horizontal) is made up of, “ Painfull pleasures and tragic joys” (somewhere in the text) … I am willing to let all of these go… I cry…I sweat… no difference really… all need to go… and after the Last Tear is wiped by Jesus… There is Only Laughter and JOY!!!!

13524510_10154278968932905_8817850490163624362_nSo I Commit… Once again… I Choose God… I Choose Love… I no longer want to ‘beat my self up’. I no longer need to make my body as my own personal punching bag. I Choose Joy… I Choose Love…I Choose to no Longer separate from God.

BTW, The black eyes were only seen by ‘me’… the only one needed for this lesson… AND no body was harmed in the making of this video. (lol… like anybody can be harmed…another major Clearing here at the Monastery!!! …lol)

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So today’s task at the monastery was to clean the Gathering Room. A place with many ‘sound making’ instruments lying around. The child in me wanting to play.

With my Black eyes gone, I Joyfully moved through the space, dusting and vaccuming. Hitting the gong… Feeling the reverberating tones dancing through me… Picking up a conga drum and beating it with youthful reckless abandon. Cleaning a table, lining up some chairs, hearing the Love rhythms of my heart.

Oh Happy Day… I hear a song… Join Me!!!!! Much Love and a Giant Monastery Hug!

 

 

 

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