My first night of the ‘silent retreat’ was a ‘rest less’ one… My mind was filled with thoughts … My flight to Mexico ‘disappeared’, and I was struggling on the computer to make a new one without a phone… a hotel reservation for the night before my flight also disappeared… I was panicked… and Not Acknowledging it…. These ‘thought’ were taking away from my ‘silent Happy’ at the retreat.
So the first group meditation of this retreat found me… wanting to ‘fall asleep’… and since I have gotten Plenty of Sleep lately… all my red flags were flying… What am I Not admitting about ‘my fear’… Where am I wanting to go unconscious…
During the meditation… I found my self asking God… What am I not wanting to SEE. Where am I wanting to go Unconscious instead of Trusting You?
Omg… then the tears started leaking out… I Heard God… (Thankfully, I Hear God… particularly well here at the monastery… it is something in the Joining that accentuates My Hearing for Love).
God said, “You were extraordinary in your ability to ‘release your past’… Releasing all ‘symbols’ of your ‘past life’. Where You are now focusing… is the ‘fear of the future’. This must be Cleared also, for you to Truly be Present and With God”.
My fears of ‘my trip to Mexico’… are now being turned over to God… I See ‘my Self’… going to the Hotel… having a room waiting for me, ‘my excess baggage’ (lolol) will be well within all the weight limits and cleared with ease, My Flight is waiting… and My Mightie Companions sitting on either side of me on the plane are ‘Excited’ to have this ‘Big (often sweating) Woman’… sitting in the middle seat next to them… I make up a New Reality…. Not based on all of my fears… Based on How Great My New Life Is.
With all this ‘future fear’… I asked God… Why am I focusing on a ‘future’… when I am so Well taken care of here at this retreat, folks in Mexico are excited about my coming to Join them… Where is this ‘future fear shit’ coming from…..
And God was right there… “My Sweet Angel… You believed you had no future having been given a ‘terminal diagnosis’…. So your whole focus lately has been to ‘Clear the Past’… in preparation for your ‘exit from this world’… And your process requires that you ‘See a Future With OUT FEAR…. Your past is now Clear… Let’s Handle this ‘future fear’… and truly let you ‘Lift Off’…”
So I write this ‘fear’ here… allowing my self to express it… where I was basing a future as I held on the ‘terminal diagnosis’… I saw a ‘future’ based totally on past experiences of ‘future’… While in Hospice… The ‘future’ that was ‘given me by doctors and the world’… I was dying… so the future was Clearly death.
Now just to interject a funny idea… ‘the future’ for all in the world is ‘death’… Only for those that seek to remove themselves from the world… to be in the world but not ‘Of The World’… So I was ‘forcing myself’ to ‘not beLIEve’… not to buy into ‘their icky future’. How?? (you might ask)… by Forgiving myself for thinking, ‘I am dying’…
Some of my ‘thoughts’ I was needing to forgive at this retreat were, “How can I set up safety in travel plans?”, “Will I be comfortable?”, “Is there enough money?”…. all concerns about how the future will Look… based on ‘past fears’….
And then I start giggling… once again at ‘my insanity’… Seeing ONLY that I am not even remotely ‘Trusting God”…. Oh yeah… that ‘Trust thing’… Again… LOLOL….
So I Once again Place my ‘Present moment’, in the Hands of God… as the Present is the Only Place to FIND God… God has Nothing to do with my past or future… Only in this One Moment of Now.
So my prayer goes to Holy Spirit… Hold me Close as I See how very Cared for I am… At all the monasteries, they provide me with a Beautiful Steward to take care of my current needs in a location of such Beauty… May I be Joyous at my immersion in Love…. and stay present to that experience… I release any future processes to Your Guidance and Love… so I Truly SEE how very supported I Am…
And I find Peace… Once again… And I am so Grate Full!! I wrap my Self in a ‘Giant Silent Hug’…. Ummmmmm….. Peace fills me once again… Thank You….