Having moved to the monastery in Chapalla, I am putting together the last of the missing puzzle pieces. That peace of yarn that held together the sweater called ‘my life’… dismantling the entire thing. Seeing how perfectly designed it is.
I listened to a talk by David Hoffmeister yesterday… three times… The title of it says it all…“Would you like to minimize cancer or have it gone?”… seems like a simple response and yet, I am finding, that access to having cancer gone, is the very thing that ‘I fight’ against.
And the gift of being in a community committed to speaking the truth of their thoughts, I was given Zippy. (I will not be using her real name here… It was a nick name she gave herself when I said, one of my greatest lessons was given by another ‘Truth seeker’ here. The parable of ‘zip it’… lolo… and for any that know me… this will produce a giggle!!)
One day she was letting out some of the ‘garbage’ we collect in mind and a comment came directed towards me. She called me a ‘white supremacist’. I sat there realizing she was just outgassing a lot of thoughts, and yet… the comment landed on me with resultant thoughts of, “white supremacist, me? Really?”.
It was now ‘my thought’ to Clear with Holy Spirit. I really took in, where am I a ‘white supremacist’… where am I judging me in such an angry way.
So being called a ‘white supremacist’ was the perfect thing to be called. Yep… I am the terrorist, I am the white supremacist, I am Trump, I am Hitler, I am the cancer… every time I resist ‘being that’ (whatever I don’t think is mine), my mind turns to cancer.
Omg… really… am I kidding… geez… I am laughing. I Am the creation of the world… Am I willing to Forgive myself for all of it.
This was also shown to me in a much less dramatic way, one of my functions was to empty the dishwasher each day. Not a task outside of my abilities, and yet, I kept forgetting to do it!
And the resultant chat with Holy Spirit allowed me to see…it was just some resistance coming up! I took that to Holy Spirit, Allow me to See this differently!
All resistance I hold onto results in ‘death’. Only by accepting responsibility for every little movement and thought can eternal salvation be accomplished!
So whether I am being called a white supremacist or am ‘forgetting’ to empty the dishwasher, this is all resistance. And the only thing I must do, take it to Holy Spirit to See differently!
yep… herein lies the Salvation of the world. And after just going through a US election to end all elections; I received a funny metaphor… Salvation does not live in who gets elected… just a lot of ‘idol ‘ chatter! (lolol) Peace and salvation does not live in the election of x, y. or z… for each is perfect… It is in my mind! Accepting the atonement for my thoughts and resultant actions. That is where Peace, Salvation, and Healing live.
And so I am now learning to follow gently in whatever way I am being called… like to ‘empty the dishwasher… with Love… not resistance….lololo … I am still in a process of learning as I get gentle reminders all the time… “Calico… dishwasher’… Do I want to make ‘my illusion’ wrong’ and ‘put it off’, resist clearing, … or just give in to the ‘reminder’… and Lovingly, empty the dishwasher.
So hearing my name… with the words ‘white supremacist’… made me giggle… not resist. Ok… Holy Spirit… show me this differently… and this whole unraveling started to come undone. My illnesses have always been ‘my resistance’ to authority. Illness is ‘me pulling’ against the rope (my true umblical cord) to God… It will only hurt as long as I continue to pull back. Do I want to ‘pull away’ from the ‘words’… or am I willing to see that these words (symbols) are just there to serve me… Don’t pull back… go forward…’Holy Spirit, Help me see this differently’.
So I sat with this. I went deep into meditation. I asked to See where I am a white supremacist. Where do I reign angry over my self. And immediately I was shown how I have made my form a living, breathing ‘Dachau concentration camp’… and it landed with such Truth.
Cancer is the internal death camp, the internal death sentence that I have ordered my self to. Internalizing all the exterior pain to my internal living environment….ouch.
And immediately I was so grateful. I saw myself as a kitten and immediately began to stroke myself and purred.
In that moment, I was able to release all sense of the abuse I conscripted my body to… cancer… I saw my innocence through the ‘fear of cancer’. Love or fear, I choose Love. (I can hear myself purring)(lol).
When I stop fighting or attempting to ‘fix anything’…God can guide me towards the Love that I have always sought. Fighting to have the ‘release from pressure’… fighting cancer, fighting the pressure to heal cancer. Outwardly attempting to heal something that is an internally sourced conflict. Placing any energy into the outside, keeps me trapped in the conflict. Trapped in my own death camp!
Upside down and inside out… that is what I get from ‘following the principles of acim. And the simplest way to See this…. Forgive Fucking Everything…
For ‘everything’ is only there as my gentle re-Minder to move forward… towards God, not further away.
In my case, I wanted to heal ‘the cancer’. Initially this looked like, doing green juices, and avoiding chemo. Another version of this conflicted idea is ‘doing chemo’. All outside tricks to heal, are idols. And acim is clear, All ‘idols’ block this clearing of seeing our innocence. Green juice or chemo… just idols. They are the same, not different as the horizontal world holds them to be
So I am lying here in bed with God, it’s 2am… Seeing this clarity, being with this clarity feels like I have just had the best sex I have ever had…LOLOL… the ultimate ‘refractory period’ after sex, where I just want to be cuddled and in Joy the experience of Love. Being Love. Purring like a kitten!
So the day begins as the sun rises over Lake Chapalla…Holy Spirit, Decide for God for me today… And allow me to be the ‘Happy Learner’ that I am and meet all my resistance with Love. Where can I give in to resistance… what opportunities will open as I take the gentle guidance offered in Love…
Thank You God… I am willing… and I am here!