What Now?

What is there to want?

I had an interesting couple of days. It started with me stooping down to turn off a water spigot. I found that I could not stand up. I tried and tried… and my legs just seem to fail me.  Fear came on very quickly. Omg… I am losing my ability to function in the world. It was like those dreams.., where you are running from something. Going as fast as you can,.. and you appear to be moving in slow motion. I feared something… and I could not ‘do what I appeared to want’ in the dream. And for me, the fear was losing function of form. ‘Death’ was the fear.

As with all dreams, ‘death’ is the fear. Yet even when running in slow motion from a perceived threat, I never die. I NEVER DIE! (lol)

So I went on with the day… still believing I was losing something. My ability to function. It was still appearing real.

Then there was an Expression Session with our community. I shared the fear… similar to other fears I have expressed… Fear of some future event of loss… still unknown, yet inevitable as a beLIEf. One of my Mighty Companions was sitting with her eyes closed and sleeping… as she was known to do… At the end of my share, I got angry. I expressed my anger at her.

“Am I boring you then leave… go lay down and get some rest!” I judged her… knowing instantly… I was projecting the very thing on her that I could not say about me.  “Calico, Am I boring you with this chronic complaint?”

My answer was a resounding ‘YES!”…

I went into function and had a meeting with another Mighty Companion. We talked about ‘wants’… and the Truth about all of them… They are Never enough. I thought back to my life… not with the desire for ‘more’… but with the Truth.

I remember a time when I had it ALL. For me, ‘all’ was the ranch, the horses, success, enough money to buy that which I desired. And there was a time, I was riding the best horse ever, riding on 1,000’s of wilderness acres by myself… the Perfect Day. I looked up at the Bluest of Blue skies and asked… “What Now?” I had done it all. All those childhood dreams had been attained… great education, perfect location, Great Adventure, functioning body, Loving beings all around me… and I asked, “What Now?”

I woke early this morning and got coffee, and sat outside in the dark, cool, quiet morning… I sat with this question. Listening to the early roosters crowing, I giggled at my past two days. This world is boring… It can never Gift me what I desire enough to satisfy… EVER… For am I happy and content NOW?

I prayed as I usually do… yet this time was different. I was content to ask God to ‘think’ for me. Not the fearful thoughts of judging another for that which I could not own myself… But for the only desire that can fulfill my only dream… to be happy… Right Now. It was never the ‘right things’ or ‘perfect activities’ or the ‘dream body’ that fulfilled on this Eternal Dream. It has always been my deep desire to Join in/as God.

The roosters crowed again… I allowed God to tell me where to place my feet… I am so Content. “What Now?”… More of These Thoughts God… Thank You.

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